the non-definitive piece on depression
in which we acknowledge depression (datha) as a lifelong friend, and allocate him 10% of our human real estate as a way of growing up. And then we compare ourselves with a friend.
We wish this could be some kind of definitive piece on the topic of depression, but we know it won’t be, because depression is to be a lifelong friend for us.
Except it’s often not a friend. It’s often a fucking tyrant that wants nothing more than to take over our entire psychophysiological system and leave us barren of the life-giving spirit that might save us.
But still, it can be a friend. And it helps that we’ve given it a name now, this part of us: Datha.
We gave Datha his name when we encountered him recently as a cosmic still-in-the-womb baby. Datha comes from a mix of the words depression, death, and thanatos. Datha never wanted to cede his place in the womb. He wanted only to stay in the bliss-state of Oneness and Wholeness and Perfection.
Datha is still learning that Perfection comes in another form too, and that is the human one; the human form consistent with its default experience of ego and separation (as of ~age 1.5 or something) is also Perfection.
How to reconcile these parts of ourselves — the Datha which is forever resentful of the fact of his incarnation into human form, and the other parts of us which long to live a full life — has been a major struggle in our emotional body lately.
We want to be here. We don’t want to be here. What do we do?
~~
The opposite of depression is aliveness.
Through our many years of intermittent depression, we’ve noticed it most apparently as a psychophysiological state: when we are depressed we are literally down-pressed, like the weight of our body is amplified three-fold, like everything becomes incredibly hard to do, like our entire human is resisting life in all its forms and just wants it all to end.
Aliveness for us is the opposite experience. And honestly we are glad to recount that over our lifetime, it has probably edged over depression in its presence, even if only marginally. We remember the times where energy coursed through our body abundantly, where it felt like our steps were on clouds, where our heart was massively expanded and we felt like we could feel everything, do anything, experience it all.
And now… as we write this.. we feel ourselves somewhere in the middle of the two.
~~
Choice. Depression is a choice. Aliveness is a choice.
Our friend Peter likes to say that he “does” depression, rather than gets it.
We feel the empowerment of that languaging. And we know it’s truth. Because our emotional body is not merely a passive entity, it is something that we’ve learned to regulate through years of practice and discipline.
Lately, we just haven’t wanted to.
~~
That’s the psychic part of depression’s tyranny. Datha, you sneaky jerk, stop taking over our mind. We want to not be depressed. We don’t want you taking over our entire system. But you can stay. We’re not saying you have to go. We’re just saying that you need to know your place, and numerically, that’s probably about 10% of our system. If you contributed a vote of 10% to our overall discourse and behaviour in life, then we think that would be balanced.
We would be able to receive your painful bits of truth — especially your rage at the state of separation we live in — and still be able to function. But it’s when your bitterness takes over, that we all lose, including you.
So let us incorporate your rage. But forgive us for only giving it 10% of our psychophysiological space. And hey, if you really need a release, we can always give you a larger slice of our system for a period of time. In a rageful ecstatic dance or drumming circle, you often take up 90%-ish, and that’s perfectly fine. Right space, right time. That’s what maturity is, right? Be a bitter cunt-dick (sex-neutral genital insults, yes!), because all humans have that bitter cunt-dickiness inside them. Just don’t be that way all the time. Manage it; contain it; use it productively. Otherwise, you’re just being a sour puss.
~~
A friend of mine, she listens to this guy, Kenneth.
Kenneth is uplifting, he shares affirmations, he makes people feel good.
Inspirational words, encouragement, galvanising drumming music.
Kenneth is Love and Light.
I don’t like listening to Kenneth, not as a regular practice.
Cos Kenneth strikes me as false.
There is 10% of my system — a very important 10%, and maybe more —
that knows Kenneth’s lying.
Cos life isn’t Love and Light, not entirely.
Life is Dark, Depressive, Unjust and Cruel.
A truth that cannot hold both sides of Spirit’s Expression is not Truth to me.
And so I like to sit in my darkness, just the way I sit in my lightness.
And in that sitting, in that accepting, in that witnessing…
I find my centreless centre.
And then I keep on living, Whole. (Well, I try. Hah!)